The first step to completing any project is understanding the steps. Bringing a fantasy to reality is an undertaking.
It’s not enough to simply ask about a fantasy if you don’t follow through, just like it’s not enough to simply wish that things were more exciting and open if you don’t take the necessary steps to make it so. You both have to trust each other not to make the other feel small for having disclosed these secrets, but you also have to trust each other to listen well enough to really hear what it’s about. Did you give her one as well? Having this conversation in the first place is a huge exercise in trust. She gave you a hint of how she might be inspired to spice it up. You said you want to spice things up in the bedroom, but you also immediately dismissed her fantasy because it clashed with yours. She may never have taken control in the bedroom for the same reason you’re hesitant about this rape fantasy: The two of you haven’t communicated enough to even know where to begin.Īnd ultimately, communication appears to be the problem here. Do you like the idea of a woman who jumps on top of you and fights to pull your trousers off as you complain about the long day you’ve had at work? Do you want her trying to give you a handy through your pants while you’re sitting at a dinner table? A blow job while you’re trying not to react because you’re on a conference call? Or do you just want to be ordered around and made a sub? Control is passed in many ways. Then tell her what it is specifically you like about this idea. Your fantasy is that she takes control in the bedroom. Once you know what she’s attracted to in this fantasy, you shouldn’t have much trouble complying. This means playing along with the idea that she has no control, therefore allowing her to safely experience what it feels like to completely sexually yield to someone else. Is it a ski mask she likes? Does she want to be able to plead no while your desire overwhelms her? Does she want to be held down? Does she want it rough? It could be any of these things or something else entirely, but a lot of what the rape fantasy entails is a common power play theme. If she likes to call you “Daddy,” for example, don’t choose a safe word like “Batty.” The next step is to understand the source of the fantasy. Your safe word should be something short and sweet, and preferably something that doesn’t rhyme with either side’s go-to dirty talk. In role-playing, a good place to begin is with a safe word. Remember: Even if you think you 100 percent had this one in the bag, it’s a sensitive one, and can easily go the wrong way if the two parties aren’t clearly on the same page. She will know what aspects of this fantasy she finds exciting. If you don’t know what to do, that’s fine. The rape fantasy has gotten a bad rap because a lot of people who actually violate consent have tried to lean on it as an excuse for their actions, but that doesn’t mean the fantasy doesn’t exist. Now as far as filling her fantasy goes: She harbors a rape fantasy. The other, she can focus on filling yours. One of those times, you can focus on filling her fantasy. The only way for both sides to get what they want, as far as I can see it, is for you two to have sex at least two more times within the course of your marriage. Her side wants a fantasy that by necessity requires you to be in control, and your side wants her to take control.
The first thing I’d break down is what each side wants. This is not all that large of a problem if we break it down. Please help with how we can spice it up and be more open.
For once, I want her to make the first move.
Also, I am usually the person to get things going in the bedroom. It threw me a bit I think I am pretty liberal with sex and I want to try it but don't know how. What she said she wants is a rape fantasy. Question: One night my wife and I were touching and talking and I asked her what's something she wants to try. To get your question seen (and possibly answered), email Now, let the oversharing begin. With her huge collection of experience-backed tokens, Kayden will be lobbing her left-fielded, unsubstantiated advice straight at the level of your forehead. Thus, we’re proud to have her as our official sex columnist. After all, I’m a notably awarded citizen, and 30 million eyeballs have interacted with my butthole.” Indeed, we’ve tried. As real-life, fully-certified porn star Kayden Kross says, “You can’t faze me.